Passion

Times, they are a changin'.

As the change keeps coming, the harder it is to see sometimes. Who you are versus who you used to be. Where you're going versus where you want to be. What you're doing versus what you want to do.

For going on 7 years, I've lived a passionate life as an educator. I've had some bumps and bruises along the road, but not until now have I felt so burned out. The candle won't light up. The umpfh is missing. Sure, I felt a lot of things the year my dad died, but this year, I feel extremely overwhelmed. Not just by work. But by the desire to be free. To claim who I am and who I share my life with and not fear what might happen for saying it out loud.

I think back to a not far ago time when the world seemed to be within my grasp. Being 21 and traveling the world. The craziest thing is that when I lived in Argentina, it was probably one of the happiest times in my life. Happy because I was carefree. I felt the passion, and even though I hit a hard road that spiraled downward, I also had a lot of peace. I always wanted to be the "professional" student and traveler. I've felt like dropping everything and moving to a remote area.

To breathe and take in life. Yes, people that do that seem to create a oneness, or inner peace if you will. To many people, the avid traveler seems to be running away from something. I just think they're running to the light. Their inner light. They live the passion that burns inside. I think I could do that.

I would love nothing more than for Marco and me to just up and move. Live abroad for a year or two. Just live and be free of the demands.

Yea, it's my fantasy, but is it too far fetched? Is it unattainable? My recent situation with my homeowners association and the battle to right a wrong might dictate it's not a good time. Or the recent failings in the stock market might also have a say in it. My goodness, I've been thinking a lot about my investments. Then I've entertained the thought of going into counseling, which means grad school. I've even looked into volunteering for a gay youth organization, a cause that I strongly believe in. But then most of my time out of work is dedicated to volunteering to save my investment in my home.

Regardless of the current state of matters, I'm drained. I want, need and dream of dropping everything to follow my heart. God, I feel I need this more than I've ever needed it before. I just want to breathe.

Marco and me....just laying on the beach or drinking wine in South America, Europe or Africa. Time to check my oil and rekindle the light that keeps the candle burning.