The Catch 22 of Family

What is family? What does the word family mean? I know I love my family, but after 2000, I had to redefine what the word meant for me in my own life. It can't just be blood. I've had to create my own family out of my dearest friends.


But sometimes blood is thicker than water, right? Sometimes is the key word. I've had blood family stab me in the back like you wouldn't believe. So blood is not always family.

The best way I can resolve this question is case by case. Take my mom for example. She is family, but she has committed many mistakes. I forgive her for them, but the problem now lies in how to deal with her today.

I love my mom because she's done many great things. But I don't love being around her. In fact, I despise it more often than not. Not so much for her abandoning the family and leaving my dad when he was sick with cancer. Not as much any more for the illegal fraud she has committed with my name. I believe in my heart that I have forgiven her for those things. But do I trust her?

Not even close. Slowly, but surely, I'm working on that. I can't expect her to change much. She's bipolar and suicidal (although psychotic is the term she likes to use). I realized this past year that it would have to be my own undertaking to work on how I react to her in situations that would make the most difference in our relationship. Usually, I'm tempted to roll my eyes at the embarrassment of her inability to monitor her voice, her tongue, and even more frighteningly, her bad flatulence. I know it's funny, but it's very true.

I've realized, with the help of Marco, that in order for her to change her negative behavior and manipulative ways, it would need a special touch of me. Don't react. Be in the moment with her.

How do I accomplish that? I suppose I may have forgiven but I won't forget. I live by that, and I don't find any fault in doing that. However, I know I can't think about yesterday when I'm around her. I have to find some comfortable spot within myself and not give into her wanting negative attention (i.e. the rolling of my eyes, raising my voice). She thinks I hate her, so I'm trying to convey to her that I don't. But at the same time, I won't let her take advantage of me. It's quite an undertaking to deconstruct this giant wall I've built to keep her out. But I can no longer avoid it.

I decided to face some of this head on. I just got back from taking her to Austin for my nephew Shoobie's 3rd birthday. I figured she could spend some time with Marco and me and even spend the night. This was important not just because of bonding time, but she doesn't wake up easily, and I'm tired of having to bang on her door for an hour to get her up. Seems like a simple solution?

Spend the night?! Okay, what was I thinking? She cannot control her BMs and has to wear Depends. No problem. I decided to lay out an old pair of sheets on the bed that I didn't really care for. Last Friday night went well, and there were no surprises Saturday morning.

My biggest concern was her giving me the money for her hotel room. As long as she was to go with us, she would have to pay for her own hotel room. I really searched for an affordable place for her too, knowing she's on disability and doesn't earn a living. It seemed cruel to drop her off at a hotel after the birthday party, but drawing limits with her is crucial. Otherwise, you give an inch to her, she'll take 1,000 miles.

It's never easy riding with her in a car. She bombards you with millions of questions, but I really worked as I hard as I could to be positive. The truth is she said something that resonated with me. Something very lucid and right on. Saturday morning, she said that it's important to remain positive about our lives and situations so we don't invite all the pain and self-destructive harm into our own lives.

Wow. I was impressed. I usually feel like I'm dealing with a 12 year old instead of a 54 year old adult and mother. I kept that in mind as we rode down 35 to Austin. This was a lot to ask of me. A three hour road trip with her. Spending the night at my house. And so far, it wasn't the greatest experience, but it wasn't the worst either.

We listened to some French CDs that Marco and I have been working on for our trip to Paris. She remained calm and quiet. She didn't even beg to stop the car for a potty break. She was listening to the limits I clearly discussed with her. I was proud of that.

And most importantly, she didn't cry or say she was going to vomit! I felt she was prepared and knew I was not going to accept her bad behavior, which is almost always an exaggeration of the truth.

The party went quite well. She was well behaved, and I enjoyed spending time with my biological dad, stepmother, and my cousin Kyle, and his fiancee, Brittney.


So I guess that was the bad news turned good from all this. Don't worry, though. Some more unusual stuff popped up later, and I must say I handled it better than expected. But for now, the party was immense. Shoobie was getting everything and more!


My brother, Brian, made an enormouse Sponge Bob Squarepants cake that was amazing looking. It was extremely sweet! Shoobie had all his little friends over for all the fun. It was like a day at Hurrican Harbor!

I don't think I've ever seen such a huge extravaganza at a 3 year old's birthday. But he loved it. Many of his gifts were larger than his undersized body. Whether he will remember all the events, like the water slide, trampoline, multiple toy gifts, or even the cake, is another story yet to be seen.

Marco and I didn't stay very long. He got to see and hold Isabel for the first time, which was beautiful. She's grown so much already! As she sat in his warm arms, she smiled and laughed as he snuggled with her.



In the end, the weekend was decent. Mom handled her hotel quite well, despite my worries about having to pound on the door Sunday morning to wake her up and leave for Dallas. She was on time with everything. Unfortunately, I had a stye starting to form in my eye Sunday. But other than that, I felt that I handled the worrying better than I ever could have expected. In fact, I've realized that if I let go more and more, especially with the worrying, then it won't be my problem. I've turned her problems into mine because of my reactions.

Well, there was that one episode that occurred once we got back in Dallas. But I stopped it from escalating. In the end, she admitted that I was right. That felt like a first!

I think love is the one thing that has kept me from completely throwing her out of my life. I'm now exercising tough love, and I'm doing all that I can to not get angry. With that, I hope to stop reinforcing her negative behavior.

Love can go a long way, if you express it sincerely and from the right place. With a family like mine, I have to remember that.

Thankfully, I have Marco in my life, and now we have our own little family consisting of the two of us and our 3 collective pets, Atticus, Falcon and Luna.